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The Water Show/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW And I'm gonna build a big rubber chair for that special room we all need. [ gunshots, glass shatters ] harold: From the farthest reaches of the north to the farthest reaches of the television audience, a man who's really reaching, my uncle, red green! Whoo-hoo! Thank you. Thank you for tuning us in. And, you know, harold, that intro was actually fairly prophetic. Well, I liked it. No, harold, I said, "prophetic." not "pathetic." but now that you mention it... Well, you know, maybe, then, you should've used words like, um, uh, "eclectic." wa-a-a! Something that means this. [ keyboard clacking ] oh, that would be "septic." well, we had a top-level meeting of the possum lodge brotherhood, trying to figure out some way we could generate some cash flow around here. Tourism -- that's the ticket. We have to get some americans up here, 'cause they spend money like water. And their money's like real money, too. We can make a fortune just on boat gas. 'cause they use gallons. They don't even know what a liter is. That's right. Well, actually, harold, you hit it right on the nose. And if you keep yammering, I may do the same thing to you. So now we got to figure out, how the heck are we gonna get tourists to come up here? The three p's. Not really looking for any help here, harold. Thanks anyway. The three p's -- performance, production, and, uh, uh... Pencil -- no, not p-- uh, pamphlets? It's, uh, promotion! Promotion! Wa-a-a! Promotion -- you got to see that. Harold, you will personally never see promotion. So what we've decided to do is to put on a water show up here at possum lodge, Tuesday nights and Saturday afternoons. What, you think maybe that we could have, like, better rooms and safe drinking water? That might be a better gimmick. Oh, no, harold. No way, no way. People won't even think about that. We figure that, uh, we're gonna turn this thing into the northern version of cypress gardens. Oh, yeah, just like cypress gardens, you know, except for the nice weather and pretty girls. We could have like, uh, "black flies and bad rooms." wa-a-a! Oh, yeah, there's a really good slogan. Harold, when the people see this water show, they won't even think about the minor inconveniences. Matter of fact, I was gonna ask you if you wouldn't mind taking part in the water show yourself. Me? Well... Oh, no, I'd be very honored to take part in the water show. That'd be great. Any capacity I can fit in, I'm there. Wa-a-a! You know, whatever you need me to do, I'll do, whether it's barefoot skiing or kneeboarding or slalom jumping or bodysurfing. Wa-a-a! Oh, actually, we need an anchor for the raft. [ guitar playing ] ♪ the ant goes crawling down the side of the road ♪ ♪ straining under his heavy load ♪ ♪ just as he gets his hill in sight ♪ ♪ here comes my shoes, right, left, right ♪ ♪ his journey home is now kaput ♪ ♪ he only missed it by a foot ♪ red: [ grunting ] this week on "handyman corner," we're gonna show you a few things that you can do with all those tires you got lying out on your front lawn. Now, one festive idea is to take, say, a wheelbarrow tire, stack that on top of a motorcycle tire on top of a car tire on top of a truck tire on top of a tractor tire, and what you have is a very interesting-looking rubber christmas tree. That's an eye-catcher. Of course, you can also do the standard stuff, like, you know, make a swing for the kids out of a tire and so on. But today I'm gonna show you how to make a very unique and extremely comfortable one-of-a-kind easy chair. Okay, now, you're gonna need, uh, probably seven tires -- well, exactly seven tires for this. So if you only got, say, three tires, I suggest what you do is you take your vehicle down to the safety-inspection place, and you may find that'll free up at least four more. Okay, step one. [ grunts ] you got to stack up three tires. One... Two... Three. Now, uh, on the off chance that you actually have some tread on your tires, you might want to clean them out there, because, uh, nothing will ruin a relaxing evening more than having maybe a bit of roadkill or dog dirt in there, especially if it's on the side closest to the fire. So just get in there and clean that out real good. A toothbrush works real well. And, uh, when you're done, you might want to clean that out real good before you put it back into old man sedgwick's denture cup. [ clatter ] all right, uh, this becomes your seat right here. Now, uh, if you got the hemorrhoids or anything, you might want to go with a soft-walled radial. And you try and find yourself a pail that's the same diameter as the inside diameter of the tire. You just pop that right in there. Now you got a bucket seat. Now, what this becomes is, uh, your compartment for holding, uh, snacks or your favorite beverages or whatever, 'cause nothing is more irritating than trying to watch tv and having to get up every three hours to go to the fridge. Of course, this serves an entirely different purpose during flu season. All right, now, you need a couple more tires that become the, uh, the arms of your chair. You can make these as decorative as you like. Can put the studs on there or the chains. Uh, you can even go hollywood on it -- you know, the hollywood style, where they get their name carved in the sidewalk and everything. Well, you can have the name right in the side of your tire, uh, as long as your name's bfgoodrich. And, of course, nothing says money like hubcaps. Uh, especially if you can get those, uh, simulated-spoke jobs. They're beautiful, aren't they? You pop them in there, and, uh, don't worry if you have a little rot in the hubcaps because, uh, antique furniture is actually worth more. All right, now, we need the back of our chair, and that requires two tires. Not that one, though. [ clatter, crash ] all right, these two will be fine. What we do is we put them end to end. And we got to attach them to each other, and we got to attach them to the arms and to the chair itself. Now, when you attach them together there, you can do that with glue or a staple gun. Or you could even use an acetylene torch, but that does tend to stink to a certain extent. So I recommend the handyman's secret weapon -- duct tape. And get that tape nice and smooth on there. Smooth tape is the sign of a fine craftsman. Now, I've mounted my picture in the back there, just so everybody knows that this is my chair, you know, in case bfgoodrich ever drops by. But you can put a bumper sticker in there or a steering wheel or even one of those round italian loaves. Now, uh, the real ambitious handyman would also make himself this, uh, matching side table here. It's just a wheel on an axle and mounted on a christmas-tree stand. I did this with a volvo 'cause my wife really likes the scandinavian furniture. [ clatter ] imports. Well, let's give her a try. Fools rush in where angels fear the tread, huh? Hope this doesn't put another skid mark on my pants. Oh, by golly, this is great. Well, maybe -- [ clatter ] good idea! I'll see what's on tv. Hey, stock-car racing's on. This will be just like sitting in the pits. Isn't this the pits? Great. Well, maybe I'll have myself a little snack, something to eat, huh? [ grunts ] remember -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Tastes like a highway. And now it's that part of the show where we expose the three little words that men find so hard to say -- "I don't know." wa-a-a! And here to prove that point on "the experts" portion of the show, of course, is my uncle red and mr. Bob stuyvesant. All right, here we go. Uh, letter number one. Well, yeah, it's the only one, but anyway, okay, um... "dear experts, I've been married for nine years, "and we are starting to have some problems -- "little things like bickering over who pays for pizza, "and suddenly the bank account is $8,000 overdrawn. "and then the other day, I couldn't help but notice she had filed for divorce." wa-a-a! "do you have any suggestions?" la-la-la. Absolutely. Take up golf. Well, now, bob, I think before we advise the guy to run away from his problems, maybe he should at least try for a reconciliation of some kind. Listen, red, I think I've been down this road a time or two. You know, what, with my five messy divorces, I think I know what I'm talking about. Golf. All the world's problems seem to diminish to nothing when you're playing a game of golf. Wow, mr. Stuyvesant, I didn't know you were married five times. Yep, harold, you know, and it all starts off peachy keen, and then they start asking questions. Like, you know, "I called you at work the other day. And you weren't there. How come?" or "are you coming home for the weekend to help with the move?" or the one I really like is, "can't you get an earlier tee-off time? I mean, it is our anniversary." next thing you know, you're talking through your lawyers. Well, I think if our viewer is listening closely to what bob is saying here, there's a pretty good clue in there as to maybe how you can patch up your own marriage. No, red, I mean, whether we like it or not, there's just some people that aren't cut out for the marriage thing. I mean, between this guy and me, we've met six women who fall into that category. "it is autumn. "the lake will soon freeze hard as a rock, "so get the boats up on the dock, "pull out the rowboat and canoe... "the runabout and sailboat, too. "the big power boat with the big gas tank. One boat too many -- the dock just sank." [ snap ] hi, hap. Going fishing? I can't, red. Some idiot broke my fishing rod. Yeah, I saw. Hap, uh, is this boat of yours strong enough to tow water-skiers, you think? This boat will do anything for a fee. Will it run reliably? I'm not sure you have that much money. Old man sedgwick said something about a water show? Yeah, well, that's what I need the boat for, you know -- to pull the water-skiers. Heck yeah. That's a bit lame, isn't it, red? I mean, water-skiers? Why don't I wrestle a shark? That's always a good crowd-pleaser, you know, me against a great white shark. We could call it "the fearless fisherman." yeah. Or "the feeding frenzy." no, no. I'm used to sharks. I like sharks. Well, sure, but they'll swallow anything, right? You know, hap, uh I don't think sharks can survive in freshwater. Not that possum lake is all that fresh. Too bad -- jack cousteau said my shark-fighting act had to be seen to be believed. Well, I'd be with jacko on that one. I got it -- I'll ride bareback on moby-dick -- the great white hunter against the great white whale. Oh, no, wait. Whale's are saltwater creatures, too. Yeah, if you could just, you know, pull the water-skiers. No, I'll do my high-diving act, then. I jumped 400 feet into a really damp face cloth. Did I ever tell you that story, red? It's never been necessary. And besides, we don't have a 400-foot tower. Oh. Well, that's too bad. All right. I'll pull the little water-skiers. Great. Thank you very much, hap. That's too bad. I can see me wrestling the great white shark or riding the great white whale. Yeah, or telling the great white lie. Well, the possum lodge water show is shaping up real good. Uh, junior singleton was doing timed laps in his speedboat, and, uh, he stood up to wave to the imaginary crowd and t-boned the water-ski ramp. Wa-a-a! His prop came right through my bedroom window -- twang! Well, once we all stopped laughing, you know, and junior regained consciousness... We decided to have that in every show, you know, as the big finale. So a bunch of the guys are making spare ramps. Uncle red, that's not how a water show works, you know. It's supposed to be a demonstration of style and grace and, you know, athletic abilities. I don't think people go to cypress gardens to see a demolition derby. Well, we're pushing the envelope a little bit here, harold. And besides, we got all the sissy stuff, too. Like, uh, stinky peterson's gonna slalom-ski on one ski, which is good, 'cause we have one ski. And a bunch of the guys are gonna do a formation while being towed around the lake on the boathouse door. Oh, really? That's great. Oh, they're gonna do a pyramid. Well, no, no. The rehearsal I saw looked more like stonehenge. And, uh, moose thompson's real keen to do something, but if we get water skis long enough to suit his body weight, we'll have to move to a bigger lake. Well, maybe he can just, like, bodysurf behind the bass boat. Yeah, but we'd have to shave his back before every show. Yeah. That's true. You don't want a hairline on the shoreline. Wa-a-a! Remember when all the trout were coughing up hair balls? [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ I often think back to my younger days ♪ ♪ I sat in school in a total daze ♪ ♪ I remember when I showed my dad my reports ♪ ♪ he hoisted the jug and horsed back a snort ♪ ♪ it was the first time I'd ever gotten all a's ♪ ♪ unfortunately, the marks were out of 100 ♪ ♪ "a" stood for "absent" ♪ red: So, there I was, out in the woods, minding my own business, not bothering anybody, forgetting that it was time for "adventures with bill." bill is dressed a little unusually, I felt, for the weather -- kind of one of them wet-suit snorkeling idea things there. And I'm not completely sure that he had the headgear on absolutely the way they would recommend down at the snorkeling place. But I can understand them not wanting to talk to bill. Now he's checking the water temperature, and possum lake gets very, very cold very early. Any time from July 15th on, by golly, she's real cold there. So he's frozen his finger right in there, but I'm only too willing to help him out on that. Aah! There you go. Good as new. Oh, oh, oh. Won't be able to hitchhike till I fix that. No problem, bill. And now he's got this little, uh, bag he's gonna catch all his treasures in when he dives. He puts them in the bag, and it's got, like, the mesh, and the water just flows out, and the treasure stay in. Now he's just gonna get very, uh -- I think he has to clean off the mask. Well, he got his face in the -- face in the -- now, you know, a lot of guys, when their finger froze, they -- yeah, exactly. Well, what did you expect, bill? But, uh, luckily, the, uh, same solution will work on the face that works on a finger, because, uh, what I did was I picked just a bigger rock -- what I call a face-size rock. Hang on. Just stay still. Stay still. There he goes. Get the ice out of there, and, yeah, you're all right. You're fine. You're fine. Yeah. Now, uh, what was happening at this point was bill had had his plan, but he was starting to adapt as to what exactly -- he's just thinking to himself, "boy, do I really want to go into that?" and I'm thinking to myself "no." now, I would never have guessed what bill was gonna do as an alternative. He handed me his glasses, puts on the mask. Now, there's no water around, but he dives, believe it or not, folks... Into the leaves. Once in a while, bill goes over that line, and I really don't quite understand what's going on. Strange noises -- and I feel like I'm one of the extras on "sea hunt" at this point. And I saw a bit of movement there. You can't really look for the bubbles coming up, not with bill. And, of course, you don't want the bubbles coming up. There he is. There he is. There he is. Cleaning out his snorkel. Oh, patoohey! You, uh, you got a little bit of leaves in the mask there. Then down he goes again, back into the dive. Boy, oh, boy -- catching things and getting treasures and just having an adventure of a lifetime, I would think. And certainly nothing that's ever been done before in the history of man. Boy, what I'd give for a depth charge right now. Come on, bill. Here he comes. Here he comes. He's gonna surface, captain! Avast the ballast or something. I don't know. And up he comes, and, uh, none the worse for wear. He didn't start out that great, actually. A little leaves in the hat there, bill. Anyway, he did get -- oh, the treasures. He'd been getting all the nuts. But one of the squirrels wasn't too pleased about him stealing his nuts, and I don't blame him. [ chomp ] oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, that hurts. Hey, bill! Oh, and he takes all his nuts back. Well, that's what you get. Oh, no, no, no, he took all his nuts back except one. What are you gonna do with that, bill? Oh, look -- I got another rock. I can help you out, you know, the same technique. Come on, bill. Come on. Come on, bill. I don't blame you. These days, a lot of the young people are demanding equal time, so here's harold, which should pretty well put an end to those demands. Oh, hi! Well, today's show is aimed at those of you who are too young to vote but, you know, too old to use the same phone as the rest of the family, so here we go. Today's topic is... [ keyboard clacking ] ...Safe sex. Wa-a-a! Okay. All right, um... I want to get serious for a few minutes, if I could, and t-talk about, uh, you know, uh... S-safe sex. Wa-a-a! All righty. Um... Harold? Yeah? Aren't we supposed to be watching "handyman corner" or "adventures with bill" or a dead tree or something interesting? Yeah, uncle red, I was -- I was gonna talk about safe sex on, uh, on, uh, "teen talk" today. Oh. Well, all right. Go ahead, harold. Really? Yeah, go ahead. You want me to go on? All right. Um, okay, uh... Safe sex. Well, it's when -- when -- you know, it's like -- wa-a-a! It's safe, you know, because, when you do it -- wa-a-a! You know, okay, all right, okay. If you got -- wa-a-a! You're saying I can do it, right? Okay, it's safe, right? So -- wa-a-a! Wa-a-a! Harold. Harold. I want to do it! I want to do it! Harold. What? This is something you'll never have to worry about. [ door slams, clatter ] that's not safe. When I see you young teenagers of today, you know, hanging out at the video arcade or driving around in one of them four-wheel stereos, I can't help but think that you're missing a big part of teenage life. And that is having a darned interesting hobby -- hunting or fishing or camping or hiking or whittling -- that kind of thing. You know, a hobby is an important part of your development, and it helps fill in the time while you're waiting to turn into something worthwhile. And make sure you pick a real one. You know, skipping stones across store windows at the mall is not a hobby, and neither is auto theft. And you may think getting along with girls is a hobby now, but after you get married, that turns into a job. And nothing kills a hobby faster than turning it into a full-time thing. I'm officially out of the ambulance business. Well, okay, then, how'd you like to be in the water-show business, dougie? 'cause we're thinking of having our own kind of water-aqua-rama show up at the lodge -- kind of attract tourists, you know? You got permission? You got insurance? You got liability coverage? You got licenses to sell food and beverages? No. Uh, we have boats. Red, red. [ chuckles ] don't you remember, my friend, a couple of years back, I was gonna do my own automobile thrill show? I mean, it was you that said I was kind of a natural hell driver. Not quite the way I worded it. I had all my cars lined up in rows, had the whole place all fixed up, well, much like you see it right now. Yep, it was gonna be "the dougie franklin automobile theme park and wreck-o-rama." oh, right. That never opened to the public, did it, doug? No, sir. Killed by paperwork and red tape. But you know, dougie, I was thinking, maybe we get the people to sign some kind of a -- forget it, red. Forget it. I mean, unless you got everything in triplicate, the government ain't gonna let you crush a single thing. I mean, we tried to get somebody -- a volunteer from the audience, for pete's sake, a volunteer -- just to get on that motorcycle and ride through the wall of death. We had a waiver for him to sign and everything. Unbelievable. I'm telling you. I used to believe this here was a free country. Well, no, sir. No, sirree, bob. No. You're right, dougie. Paperwork and red tape is killing the initiative of the small-business man. Truer words have never been spoken, my friend. Well, looks like the possum lodge water show is out of business. I'll tell you, the government sure knows how to take the fun out of risking lives. I'm telling you, I'm glad they shut you guys down. I think you went way over the top in some of these events. Waterskiing on a chain saw? "old man sedgwick and his trained crayfish." and that bit where all the boats crashed into a ball of fire. Come on! Wa-a-a! That's a fire hazard there. It's not a fire hazard, harold. It was all taking place out on the water. That's not water. That's possum lake. Yeah, he's right about that. Well, we're gonna do the water show once, anyway, 'cause the guys have put a lot of work into it, and, you know, they're all kind of keyed up. Everybody's boats are running real good. And old man sedgwick had rented the ballerina costume for the crayfish. So we're gonna wind her up, and we're gonna let it go. And moose has even got a routine that he's gonna do for us. A bucking bronco on an outboard? I thought you cut that. Well, he had his heart set on it, harold. And this time, he's promised to fly into a smaller tree. [ screeching ] oh, that's meeting time. Yeah, you go ahead, harold. I'll -- I'll be right down. Well, uh, that's about it for this time. So, if my wife is watching, uh, I'm probably gonna be a little bit late tonight because after the meeting, uh, we're gonna have the water show. And I would think that would be followed by about, oh, 45 minutes of cpr. By the time the fire trucks and ambulances are out here, it's gonna be sundown or later. So, for the rest of you, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, thanks so much for watching, and keep your stick on the ice. [ indistinct conversations ] [ screeching continues ] harold: All rise! All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. I know you're all pretty excited about the water ski show that we're gonna put on right after the meeting. [ cheers and applause ]